WHAT DO ANIMALS THINK ABOUT?
“You scared?” she asked. “Scared of what?” “You know,” she said, “being this close.” “Why, because of the virus?” “Yes, because of the virus.” “A little bit.” Christie had just had her fingernails done up and we had been huddling in my car. The sun was — where was the sun? We didn’t know, we couldn’t see it, but there …
EVERYDAY A**HOLES IS NOW OUT!
My first book of illustrations, Everyday A**holes is now out and ready to be put in your hands. Some time ago I was doing some Wim Hof meditating, and afterwards I came up with this crazy idea to draw something totally random on Instagram. Someone replied that they were funny and now, a few years later, I have hundreds of …
WHAT TO DO WHEN EVERYONE IS DOING BETTER THAN YOU
There will come a point in your life where everyone will be doing better than you. If you haven’t experienced it yet, then get excited! One day it will come unexpectedly in the mail, and you will feel like such, a, dick. This point in life may come quicker if you give up financial stability to pursue your dreams. I …
RETURNING HOME AFTER A LONG TRIP
The end of my travels reminded me of the end of my relationship with Kessie. This was about five years ago: Kessie had largish ears, a couple of tattoos, a flat arse and was an amazing lover. I was a horrible person to her, and, for no good reason, one day decided to stop talking to her. She called me …
WHAT YOU MUST DO ONCE YOU LEARN HOW TO FLY
Most people, when I ask them what they’d do if they had more time and money, say that they would travel more. I wonder how many people truly mean it. I wonder how many people, when actually given more time and money, would actually “travel”. Where would they go? What would they do? What would they be afraid of leaving …
THE KILLING OF ALL DISTRACTIONS
Have you ever just… thought? Not just regular, day-to-day thoughts, but actual, concentrated thoughts that ask the questions you’re afraid to ask and answer the questions you’re afraid to answer: What am I doing here? Why am I doing what I’m doing? What do I actually want if I strip away my insecurities, my fears and the influence and pressures …
THIS HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO, BUT…
This happened a long time ago, maybe ten years ago, back when I was studying. I didn’t know that many women but there was one I met in class one day. She wrote this on my notepad: What’s your name? Dean. Want to have lunch? Okay. And we had lunch and I instantly fell in love. I was so desperate …
LOVE LETTER 500
Can there ever be drama without someone dying, or someone leaving, or someone lying, or someone cheating? Can there ever be a love story when there’s no one there to love? You used to ask me these things things all the time as you sat with your blank notepad on your lap, looking out over the balcony for answers. At …
BURNING ALL EX-GIRLFRIEND MEMORIES
I used to be a hoarder. I used to never want to let go of anything. Whenever time would try to drag something away from me, I’d pull onto it for my dear life. The other day, I decided to let that part of me go. Especially the part that clung onto old loves. I had too many memories of …
THE CHANT OF THE PENISES
Life would be a lot happier if our penises didn’t get in the way. Penises are like that vegetarian friend of yours who always attends your birthday gatherings — even though it’s inconvenient, you have to go out of your way to make sure they’re happy. This is when I told my good looking friend about the Chant of the …
MADMAN IN THE MIRROR
The quality of my writing started to drop at the same time the quality of my life started to increase. I hadn’t had alcohol or drugs in months. I had found God. I was in a stable relationship. I regularly exercised. I took protein shakes. I hadn’t masturbated in over sixty days and whenever I caught myself in the mirror …
DELICIOUS TIM TAMS
As I parked my car and as the sky shut its light and as the world closed its door ever so slightly I found myself adrift, both internally and externally, whatever the hell that means. I was confused. No, I wasn’t confused, I was muddled. My mind was fog. I was walking in every shitty direction and ending up nowhere. …
VISITS FROM ANNABELLE
Annabelle’s boyfriend had left her so for a while, she became my best friend. Sometimes she’d come over at eight, or at midnight, or at two in the morning, or at noon when I wasn’t even at home. “Tell me,” she said, “why are men so cruel?” She never got used to how much food I didn’t have. She came …
THE PURPOSE OF VAIL
The scene started off like this: Vail and I were on Jude’s balcony, and the sun had been down for a while and Vail, wearing something black, was humming something I didn’t recognise. “It’s so, so easy to do what’s easy,” she said. “That’s why it’s called easy.” Vail said nothing to that. She looked out, at the traffic. I …
I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU MR SADNESS
I’ve had it with you, Mr Sadness, with your damp eyes and your bloody nose and your sad, sad acoustic soundtrack. I’ve had it with the sporadic loneliness, the dread and the anger. I’m over this. Tomorrow I’ll go online and find me a new lover. A lover with sunlight and cool winds and upbeat music. A lover who socialises …
GOODBYE TIME
There are times when there’s nothing I want to write about. When there’s nothing much I really want to say. Time is so limited. It arrives, then it goes, and it arrives, and it goes – does it ever leave you feeling at peace? I suppose it does. There are times when time itself leaves me alone: it says to …
M DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU
M doesn’t care about what people think of her physical appearance. She’s a round person with a solid gut and stocky arms and stocky legs, and when it comes to her hair, it was as if she found the angriest person in the street, gave that person scissors and said, “Cut my hair however the fuck you want.” Her moustache …
SUPER POWER MEDITATION
People try all sorts of things to get rid of their woes. Sometimes they try alcohol, sometimes they try meditation. “The worst form of meditation is masturbation meditation,” Jude told me. “You think that when you masturbate, you’ll be in a constant state of bliss, but you won’t be. Firstly you’ll always want to change the video you’re watching, …
DRINKING WINE ON A BALCONY BEFORE CHRISTMAS
“Have you ever spoken to God on Christmas?” This is what Christie asked me as we sat on my couch on my balcony. It was some time in the evening, and beyond us, beyond the railing, were buildings and trees and lights, and beyond that was the city, and beyond that was the universe, and beyond that was time, and …
FIRST DINNER WITH CAROL
And then I ruined it all by saying, “I don’t want a relationship”. You shrugged and said, “That’s exactly what the previous guy said,” and you told me about this guy you met on Tinder who was in a long distance relationship. You told me that he was a decent guy with a pretty good body and pretty big dick, …
Book Recommendations / Book Suggestions
These books have shaped me in one way or another. In a way, these books may shape you, too. So read them at your own risk. Norwegian Wood By Haruki Murakami. I read this when I was freshly dumped and overseas, on my own. Murakami writes a lot of weird shit, but Norwegian Wood seems to be one of his …
ANNA AND THE BREAKUP
One day I might stop writing about this bullshit. One day I might settle down with one woman. One day, when that woman decides to eventually stop showing me her vagina and I realise that I’m stuck with the same job and the same person for the rest of my life I’ll write a children’s fantasy novel. Or a crime …
ALIVE FOREVER
I wonder what it would be like if I was a crack dealer. It’d be a pretty fuckin’ stressful job. Or I wonder what it would be like to be one of those heroes that people always write about. Like a Nobel Prize winner or an Emma Watson or a Michael Jordan or something. I wonder if there are heroes …
THE GIRL WHO WANTS ME TO MAKE A LOT OF MONEY
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I suppose I haven’t posted in some time because I’ve fallen into the trap of working, and of boxing, and of reading a fuckload of books, and of promoting Surface Children, and of writing for a magazine. I also started doing things that writers shouldn’t do: I lessened the drinking, I began reading books …
The Key To A Happy Life Is –
I was busy, but we were under the moon. Or the sun. Or whatever was floating above us at that time. Sam has a small office in the valley. Sam is about forty years old and has more wrinkles than most forty year olds. They crease deep, deep and hard. Sam’s a bookkeeper, and I’d known him since I …
HOW TO WRITE A BOOK AND NOT GET PUBLISHED
When I remember myself and when I remember my life it will all be portrayed in black and white. It won’t be in HD or 3D and it’ll be lower than low budget; the screen quality will be a little fuzzy and sometimes you’ll have to bang the screen to see it properly. A lot of the scenes, the scenes …
PART TWO.
Time is something you don’t necessarily have to hold on to. I don’t know why, but that evening, last year, when you walked out of the third party we’d been to that week with your stupid friends who didn’t understand us – who didn’t understand me – I couldn’t help but feel hollow – is hollow a feeling? I know …
LASER EYE LONELINESS
I had this dream once of becoming a successful writer. I’d be smoking a cigarette on top of a pile of money and every day, I’d buy some girl with nice legs a brand new car. Everyone would buy my books: lonely people would buy my books, the downtrodden would buy my books, bored middle-aged housewives would buy my books, …
HAPPY NEW YEAR AND AN UPDATE ON MY BOOK OF SHORT STORIES
As I stumbled around Jude’s pebbled driveway at the end of the 2012 countdown and as some guy kept playing “Love Will Tear Us Apart Again” from his iPhone 5 I thought this: it feels exactly the same as last year. 2012 ended too quickly. I wasted a shitload of time but still managed to be productive during some of …
Books and Short Stories by Dean Blake
EVERYDAY A**HOLES For the first time in print! Inspired by our favourite everyday a**holes, this first collection of over 160 irreverent sketches by Dean Blake contain some of his earliest (and most popular) online works. Spanning over two years of the author’s career, Everyday Assholes introduces us to a cast of characters we’re only too familiar with. Meet Helen, who …