VALENTINE’S DAY HORROR STORY
Vail and I were through our second bottle of wine when she told me a scary story about this person named Kath. Kath was in her twenties and single. She couldn’t understand why she was single. I mean, she had a good job and she didn’t think she was that unattractive, but for some reason the world could only manage …
WHAT TO DO WHEN EVERYONE IS DOING BETTER THAN YOU
There will come a point in your life where everyone will be doing better than you. If you haven’t experienced it yet, then get excited! One day it will come unexpectedly in the mail, and you will feel like such, a, dick. This point in life may come quicker if you give up financial stability to pursue your dreams. I …
I’M BACK
Some time ago I became consumed by stress so I quit my job and promised to finally work on my next book. But before finally working on my next book I travelled, and when I returned home from travelling I promised to finally work on my next book. But when I returned home from travelling I took on a part …
FAT GOOD LUCK CHARM
“Have you met Brisbane’s good luck charm?” Jude asked me. “No and I don’t want to,” I said. I turned to Vail: “Do you want to meet Brisbane’s good luck charm?” Vail had her sunglasses on and she was driving. “Dean,” she started, sighing, “your stories… have I ever told you about your stories? They need to have an arc. …
BURNING ALL EX-GIRLFRIEND MEMORIES
I used to be a hoarder. I used to never want to let go of anything. Whenever time would try to drag something away from me, I’d pull onto it for my dear life. The other day, I decided to let that part of me go. Especially the part that clung onto old loves. I had too many memories of …
STRIPPING EVERYTHING AWAY
And my mind was muddled so I asked Christie to help me out. “Here,” she said, pointing to a spot next to her. I sat down. “Close your eyes.” I closed my eyes, and I waited, and just before I began to ask Christie what I was doing she put her hand on my lap. She told me to breathe …
THE AFTERLIFE OF THE AFTERLIFE
“You know,” she smiled slightly, starting to say something but then stopping — her mind drifted somewhere, to some man or drama maybe. “You know what?” “The afterlife, eternity… like, even when people talk about afterlife and eternity. It scares me.” “It scares me too.” Vail exhaled smoke from her nostrils as she killed her cigarette. She texted someone something …
THE PURPOSE OF VAIL
The scene started off like this: Vail and I were on Jude’s balcony, and the sun had been down for a while and Vail, wearing something black, was humming something I didn’t recognise. “It’s so, so easy to do what’s easy,” she said. “That’s why it’s called easy.” Vail said nothing to that. She looked out, at the traffic. I …
HAPPINESS AND ARMPIT PLUCKING
“You know what I’ve realised?” Vail asked me. “What?” “I like the idea of doing charity work more so than actually doing it.” Vail had just finished an afternoon of volunteer work with troubled kids. “It’s a lot of work.” She sighed, sipping on her latte or whatever the hell it was. “It’s so much work.” “You know what I’ve …
The sun wasn’t rising and it wasn’t setting, either – it was about three in the afternoon and time was what it was. Jude was smoking and Vail was typing something on her phone. “We’ve changed, but we really haven’t, if you think about it,” Jude said. “Want to go to Alfred & Constance?” Vail asked without looking up from …
AMBITIOUS KIDS
I was in a bad mood about something and I found myself sitting at the RE with two guys and two girls. One guy was working, the other guy was unemployed. The two girls were studying at uni or design college or something. None of them were smokers. “So?” One of the guys, the fat one, asked everyone. “So what?” …
LASER EYE LONELINESS
I had this dream once of becoming a successful writer. I’d be smoking a cigarette on top of a pile of money and every day, I’d buy some girl with nice legs a brand new car. Everyone would buy my books: lonely people would buy my books, the downtrodden would buy my books, bored middle-aged housewives would buy my books, …
WHAT WE WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
“I want three naked girls and a huge bed to use them on,” Jude said with a cigar in his mouth. Vail rolled her eyes and dealt the next round of cards. “That’s disgusting.” “You’re disgusting,” he snapped. We were in Victor’s or Samuel’s or Michael’s or Whatever His Name’s house playing poker. I looked at my cards and …
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’VE LOST YOUR JOB
I’d lost the girl and I’d lost the job. What was next? I started the next morning with a throbbing head; I drank four glasses of water, brushed my teeth, changed my shirt and drove across the universe to reach a McDonald’s. I ordered a McChicken and sat in a quiet spot with nobody around and texted people, asking them …