OLD MAN JEFF
Old Man Jeff is this old guy I talk to who hates money. I caught him the other day, burning a five dollar bill. “Don’t burn that!” I said, snatching the bill from him and immediately placing it in my pocket. “You burning any more of these?” “Gimme that back,” he said. “No.” The old man, who was normally gentle …
YOU WANT ME?
This is a story about a story. Which is incidentally about another story. It’s a story about me telling you, the reader, about a story a dear friend told me. “Dear friend,” my dear friend told me. “Listen to this story.” “Fine,” I said, pretending to be interested. “Tell me this story.” “It’s a story a dear friend told me …
SHIRTLESS KANYE ON A DRAGON
Looking to vote Kanye for president? Here’s a drawing to inspire you. Find more drawings on Instagram: @deanblakeauthor.
WHAT DO ANIMALS THINK ABOUT?
“You scared?” she asked. “Scared of what?” “You know,” she said, “being this close.” “Why, because of the virus?” “Yes, because of the virus.” “A little bit.” Christie had just had her fingernails done up and we had been huddling in my car. The sun was — where was the sun? We didn’t know, we couldn’t see it, but there …
KANYE FOR PRESIDENT PLAYING CARD – MAGIC THE GATHERING ALTER
So I designed a Kanye for President playing in a similar style to Magic the Gathering. Special thanks to Anton who helped advise me about MTG mechanics. Find more drawings on Instagram: @deanblakeauthor.
CUSTOM DRAWINGS FOR MY BOOK READERS
So, my book has officially launched. I’ve been extremely blessed by your support. For those of you who are following my Instagram page, you’ll notice that I’ve been creating custom drawings or messages for people who have been ordering my bundle, or ordering in bulk. From time to time I’ve been randomly adding drawings to some orders. Here are some …
MAN WITH BEARD AND TANNED SKIN RECEIVING VIP TREATMENT FROM AIRPORT SECURITY
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EVERYDAY A**HOLES IS NOW OUT!
My first book of illustrations, Everyday A**holes is now out and ready to be put in your hands. Some time ago I was doing some Wim Hof meditating, and afterwards I came up with this crazy idea to draw something totally random on Instagram. Someone replied that they were funny and now, a few years later, I have hundreds of …
WE’RE ALL DEAD – A STAR WARS DRAWING BY DEAN BLAKE
We’re all dead! A Star Wars drawing by Dean Blake.
FREDDIE LOOKING FOR NEW SPOTS TO CRY IN EVERY DAY
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KEN’S THAT GUY WHO WALKS SLOWLY ACROSS BUSY HIGHWAYS
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THE DOCTOR TELLING LUCY THAT IF SHE DOESN’T KEEP CHECKING HER PHONE, SHE WILL DIE
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OLD PEOPLE LOVE STORY
There was an oldish man and an oldish woman and some experts believe that at varying points in their lives, they had fallen in love with each other. But the pair was old now, and the concept of falling in love seemed like an oddity one could only discover in books. Now all the couple had for each other was …
WORKING BUT STILL POOR
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FRED ADDING FAT AND PRESERVATIVES TO BREAD AND CALLING THEM HEALTHY VEGAN BURGERS
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RYAN PROMISING HIS SON THAT HE WILL PRETEND TO LOVE HIM THIS CHRISTMAS
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YOU CAN NEVER TRULY DELETE YOUR SEARCH HISTORY
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VEGAN THOUGHTS
I haven’t written in a while. This isn’t because I’ve been busy. It’s pretty much because I’ve been lazy. Sometimes I just lie on my couch, thinking about how rich I want to be, but then I become troubled by how much work it would require. Then I fall asleep and dream of strange things, like once, I dreamt I …
CHARLIE WHEN HE SAYS HE’LL PAY FOR DINNER…
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BE KIND TO THOSE WHO CAN LEND YOU MONEY
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VALENTINE’S DAY HORROR STORY
Vail and I were through our second bottle of wine when she told me a scary story about this person named Kath. Kath was in her twenties and single. She couldn’t understand why she was single. I mean, she had a good job and she didn’t think she was that unattractive, but for some reason the world could only manage …
DOLLY PARTON CHALLENGE: KNOB HEAD STYLE
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THE NUMBER OF STARS IN THE SKY REPRESENT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU
The number of stars in the sky represent the number of people who don’t care about you.
STEALING FROM A RICH FRIEND
According to some friends, she came from old money but also owned some tech startup, and according to some friends, she’d just raised one hundred million dollars… So began my plan to find as many ways as possible to rip her off.
BILLY BEING DIAGNOSED WITH THAT FACE
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TARA BEING TOTALLY UNIQUE BY TAKING A CHEERS BOOMERANG PIC WITH THE GIRLS
Tara being totally unique…
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 30S AND LIFE BECOMES OVERWHELMING
Are you in your thirties and like, feeling a little bit overwhelmed by the pressures of it all? Have you ever been stuck in traffic one day while listening to a podcast or Spotify or something, and all of a sudden, you felt anxious and afraid, and you wondered: What am I doing with my life? Well, don’t worry. As …
GEORGIA UPLOADING ANOTHER POST ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER HER LIFE IS THAN YOUR SHITTY MISERABLE ONE
Georgia uploading another post about how much better her life is than your shitty miserable one.
WHAT TO DO WHEN EVERYONE IS DOING BETTER THAN YOU
There will come a point in your life where everyone will be doing better than you. If you haven’t experienced it yet, then get excited! One day it will come unexpectedly in the mail, and you will feel like such, a, dick. This point in life may come quicker if you give up financial stability to pursue your dreams. I …
VIRGIN VINCE GETTING THAT SPECIAL PRISON TREATMENT
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WE ALL COME FROM DUST
The dust, this water, it comes from the dead and it comes from the living. The pain and the joy—it’s all recycled, we’re always sharing a piece of each other. There are bits of people within all of us, there are bits of people outside of all of us.
ED ADDING LOL TO EVERY MESSAGE TO MAKE THINGS LESS SERIOUS THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE
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FACT. 7 BILLION PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.
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LOVE LETTER 2020
Sometimes I still think about you. Sometimes I imagine you looking at my Facebook profile and being a little impressed and a little jealous that you’re not the one doing that thing with me, or being in that place with me, or posing in that quirky restaurant photo with me. But sometimes I imagine you being relieved that you’re not …
BARRY WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE
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BERNIE ABOUT TO FEED HIS WIFE SOME BS
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BRAD’S LITTLE GUY SENDING HIM MIXED MESSAGES AGAIN
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HOW TO BE HAPPY: THE 80/20 PRINCIPLE
Lately I’ve been trying, with much laziness and distraction, to conquer depression—to not only conquer it, but to brutally torture and murder it with repeated and frightening strikes of joy and laughter. One exercise I gathered from reading The 80/20 Principle was to think of the things that made me happy, and to spend more time and effort on those …
THIS STORY IS DEDICATED TO A MAN IN A COMA
Some time ago Christie’s step brother fell into a coma. Apparently he was having sex with his wife, and apparently all of a sudden he closed his eyes and didn’t open them again. Everyone prayed for him, and the next day, in hospital, he opened his eyes and acted as though nothing had ever happened. It’s a miracle! we exclaimed, …
SIGNS YOU’RE OLD
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I’M BACK
Some time ago I became consumed by stress so I quit my job and promised to finally work on my next book. But before finally working on my next book I travelled, and when I returned home from travelling I promised to finally work on my next book. But when I returned home from travelling I took on a part …
WORLD PEACE HAS ARRIVED
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WILLY SEARCHING REALLY HARD FOR AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT ON HIS GIRLFRIEND
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THE STD FAIRY SPRINKLING HER LOVE
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RETURNING HOME AFTER A LONG TRIP
The end of my travels reminded me of the end of my relationship with Kessie. This was about five years ago: Kessie had largish ears, a couple of tattoos, a flat arse and was an amazing lover. I was a horrible person to her, and, for no good reason, one day decided to stop talking to her. She called me …
SAMMY THE SUN JUST GAVE YOU SKIN CANCER
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PHILIPPA IS A TRANSGENDER, TRANSRACIAL VEGAN FEMINIST AND NATURE ACTIVIST. PHILIPPA ALSO NEVER PAYS HER FRIENDS BACK AND HIDES HER WALLET WHEN SHE SEES BROWN PEOPLE.
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DARREN LOOKING HARD FOR SOMEONE TO BLAME HIS LIFE PROBLEMS ON
Darren looking hard for someone to blame his life problems on
AN INSPIRING ENTREPRENEUR THINKING OF NEW AND EXCITING WAYS TO WASTE YOUR MONEY
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CARLOS TRYING TO KILL HIS ERECTION IN PUBLIC
Carlos trying to kill his erection in public