WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 30S AND LIFE BECOMES OVERWHELMING
Are you in your thirties and like, feeling a little bit overwhelmed by the pressures of it all? Have you ever been stuck in traffic one day while listening to a podcast or Spotify or something, and all of a sudden, you felt anxious and afraid, and you wondered: What am I doing with my life? Well, don’t worry. As …
THIS STORY IS DEDICATED TO A MAN IN A COMA
Some time ago Christie’s step brother fell into a coma. Apparently he was having sex with his wife, and apparently all of a sudden he closed his eyes and didn’t open them again. Everyone prayed for him, and the next day, in hospital, he opened his eyes and acted as though nothing had ever happened. It’s a miracle! we exclaimed, …
I’M BACK
Some time ago I became consumed by stress so I quit my job and promised to finally work on my next book. But before finally working on my next book I travelled, and when I returned home from travelling I promised to finally work on my next book. But when I returned home from travelling I took on a part …
RETURNING HOME AFTER A LONG TRIP
The end of my travels reminded me of the end of my relationship with Kessie. This was about five years ago: Kessie had largish ears, a couple of tattoos, a flat arse and was an amazing lover. I was a horrible person to her, and, for no good reason, one day decided to stop talking to her. She called me …
WHAT YOU MUST DO ONCE YOU LEARN HOW TO FLY
Most people, when I ask them what they’d do if they had more time and money, say that they would travel more. I wonder how many people truly mean it. I wonder how many people, when actually given more time and money, would actually “travel”. Where would they go? What would they do? What would they be afraid of leaving …
HOW TO COMFORT PEOPLE WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO COMFORT PEOPLE
I committed the next three months to not drinking alcohol. What I miss about alcohol is how much easier life gets when you drink it. With alcohol, it’s easier to embarrass yourself, it’s easier to make friends, it’s easier to laugh, it’s easier to hug people and it’s so much easier to get away with doing the things you’ve always …
THIS HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO, BUT…
This happened a long time ago, maybe ten years ago, back when I was studying. I didn’t know that many women but there was one I met in class one day. She wrote this on my notepad: What’s your name? Dean. Want to have lunch? Okay. And we had lunch and I instantly fell in love. I was so desperate …
LOVE LETTER 500
Can there ever be drama without someone dying, or someone leaving, or someone lying, or someone cheating? Can there ever be a love story when there’s no one there to love? You used to ask me these things things all the time as you sat with your blank notepad on your lap, looking out over the balcony for answers. At …
BURNING ALL EX-GIRLFRIEND MEMORIES
I used to be a hoarder. I used to never want to let go of anything. Whenever time would try to drag something away from me, I’d pull onto it for my dear life. The other day, I decided to let that part of me go. Especially the part that clung onto old loves. I had too many memories of …
VISITS FROM ANNABELLE
Annabelle’s boyfriend had left her so for a while, she became my best friend. Sometimes she’d come over at eight, or at midnight, or at two in the morning, or at noon when I wasn’t even at home. “Tell me,” she said, “why are men so cruel?” She never got used to how much food I didn’t have. She came …
I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU MR SADNESS
I’ve had it with you, Mr Sadness, with your damp eyes and your bloody nose and your sad, sad acoustic soundtrack. I’ve had it with the sporadic loneliness, the dread and the anger. I’m over this. Tomorrow I’ll go online and find me a new lover. A lover with sunlight and cool winds and upbeat music. A lover who socialises …
SOMETHING IN YOUR STOMACH
Someone from work once gave me a moleskin, and for some time I just let it sit at the back of my car. “If you don’t want to write in it, why don’t you draw something in it?” Christie asked me from her hospital bed. “Yeah okay,” I complained. “Like drawing is so fucking easy.” She got mad, so I …
LICKING FOR FIFTY THOUSAND
We ended up hanging out with this woman who cut my hair in South Bank once. She was this loud ball of fire who loved to talk about sex and dildos a lot, and that night, in the back of an Uber, she described her dildo collection like a guy would describe his sword collection: she had this proud, dazed …
ALIVE FOREVER
I wonder what it would be like if I was a crack dealer. It’d be a pretty fuckin’ stressful job. Or I wonder what it would be like to be one of those heroes that people always write about. Like a Nobel Prize winner or an Emma Watson or a Michael Jordan or something. I wonder if there are heroes …