Are you in your thirties and like, feeling a little bit overwhelmed by the pressures of it all? Have you ever been stuck in traffic one day while listening to a podcast or Spotify or something, and all of a sudden, you felt anxious and afraid, and you wondered: What am I doing with my life?
Well, don’t worry. As someone with a blog named Generation End, I’m clearly in the position to give you sound advice about anything. So below are four solutions to four common problems people in their thirties face.
PROBLEM 1: You feel like you’re always working and don’t have time to do what you really love
Do you ever feel like you’re slaving away at a pointless job while life passes you by? Do you frequently reminisce the days in your youth when you could just go on a road trip with friends on a whim, or talk on the phone until three in the morning, or spend a Wednesday night at a house party, or simply read a book for an entire Sunday without having to stress about an ugly boss you need to please the very next day? Or do you simply miss the times when your friends were single?
My friend Amanda was just like that. When she got her first job at some large company, she seemed totally pleased with herself. Then she started reading about these young entrepreneurs who were changing the world while she was there, catching a bus to work everyday like a total slave. Then she also realised she had to keep saying, “No I can’t, got work the next day,” whenever friends would ask her out, or if she did go out, she’d find herself getting sleepy quite early and saying, “I have to go home, got work the next day.” Her friendships became little time slots she neatly placed in her calendar; her whole life became a collection of things she could fit into her calendar.
One day, she called me with her problem. “What the hell am I doing with my life? Can I just end it now?” she cried. I merely smiled and responded with an obvious solution.
SOLUTION: Netflix
Whenever you feel like you’re trapped, or that your life is pointless, or that there is no true depth to your friendships anymore, or that you’re no longer able to cling onto your youth, then all you have to do is binge watch Netflix. The more Netflix you watch, the more you don’t have to think about becoming forty, and then fifty, and then sixty, and then seventy, and then maybe dead.
PROBLEM 2: You’re lonely
It’s easy to feel lonely when all your friends in their thirties are getting married, or having kids, or are generally happier than you. Not only that, because you’re spending most of your days sucking up to your boss, you don’t have any friends either. Not any true friends anyway.
As a lonely person in your thirties, you may sometimes feel that every decision you make can’t be taken lightly anymore. Like with dating: you can’t just go around dating and breaking up with whatever set of genitals are out there anymore, and the fact that you have no time to meet quality people makes things worse. And even if you’re already in a relationship, there’s always something that seems to be missing. Plus everyone has STDs.
My friend Amanda had the exact same concerns. “I just want to die! I’m so lonely! I’m so lonely and there’s no way out of it!” she cried to me after an evening of several wines. Pointing at her, I laughed loudly and gave her an obvious solution.
SOLUTION: Meme pages on Instagram
Meme pages on Instagram (like mine) are a great way to take your mind off the crippling reality of your loneliness. Observe your body the longer you spend on meme pages on Instagram: your once-anxious heart will beat more slowly, the realities of life will detach themselves from your skin. Meme pages also have an amazing, supportive community where anyone can find quality friends they’ll never meet in real life.
PROBLEM 3: You work all the time but you’re still poor
Okay, this was the moment you spent your childhood and young adulthood preparing for: spending most of your life in a job that provides a steady income and some sweet benefits, like twenty days of holidays every year. In return for this fantastic job, you get to spend most of your days (most of your youth, really) laughing at your boss’s jokes that aren’t funny, being afraid of getting fired, exchanging pointless banter with that fat lady who won’t shut up about her grandkids and secretly fantasising about that weird-looking coworker of yours, the one with uneven eyes. But why would you choose any other option? You don’t want to be homeless, do you?
The problem is, no matter how much you work, no matter how much you laugh at your boss’s horrible jokes, your money never seems to be enough.
My friend Amanda had this same problem. She came to me one night, crying and convulsing as usual, saying things like, “My sister is in hospital and has a huge operation, and I can’t afford my mortgage, and my car is broken, and I got in trouble at work and I’ve got all these bills I can’t pay and I don’t know what to do! Help me! Please help me!”
I simply smiled because I knew exactly what she had to do.
SOLUTION: credit cards!
What you need to do is, you need to have a nice collection of credit cards. With credit cards, you can buy anything you want, like TVs, new shoes, nice handbags, trips overseas. You can even sign up to Disney+ with them. Credit cards are basically free money given to you by banks. Apply for credit cards NOW and max, them, all, OUT!
PROBLEM 4: You feel like you don’t have the right to complain, because you’re not some starving kid in Africa or getting blown up in a shanty town or whatever
All you need to do is watch the news for ten seconds to realise how lucky you are. There are protesters getting teargassed, there are towns getting bombed, there are people starving to death—and here you are complaining that your WiFi is slow.
When you realise this, you then begin to think: Am I using my time wisely? I eat twenty dollar meals when people can’t even drink water. Should I be handing out food to poor people? Should I be in Africa right now, preaching the Good News to villages who are yet to encounter God? Should I become a vegan? Or should I do something even simpler, like smile at old people?
My friend Amanda had this exact same problem. When I visited her in hospital, she was scratching her arm a lot and she had a distinct smell, a smell that came from the medication she was on.
“I don’t know, Dean,” she said, “I think about this world, and how temporary our lives are, and how we only have a few seconds to really, really fall in love with it. So what’s the best way to spend these remaining seconds? What is a worthwhile life? Should we help people with level four suffering, or level ten suffering? Should we party? Should we donate money to charity? Should we live in Tibet? I feel like I’m wasting my life away. What should I do?” Tears ran down her beautiful, tired eyes. She had been in hospital for a week. I was the first person to visit her.
I patted her spotty arm and smiled. I knew the exact advice to give my dear friend.
SOLUTION: Netflix
Netflix solves everything. You can watch it on your TV, you can even watch it on your mobile phone! There are shows and films for everyone. If you ever feel lonely, or afraid, or anxious; if you ever begin to question life, watch Netflix. The best way to repress all your thoughts and fears is to simply turn on Netflix and binge watch whatever the hell it has to offer you. I heard that The Witcher series is coming out soon, and that the Irishman is pretty good.
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