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OLD PEOPLE LOVE STORY

There was an oldish man and an oldish woman and some experts believe that at varying points in their lives, they had fallen in love with each other. But the pair was old now, and the concept of falling in love seemed like an oddity one could only discover in books. Now all the couple had for each other was …

WORKING BUT STILL POOR

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FRED ADDING FAT AND PRESERVATIVES TO BREAD AND CALLING THEM HEALTHY VEGAN BURGERS

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RYAN PROMISING HIS SON THAT HE WILL PRETEND TO LOVE HIM THIS CHRISTMAS

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YOU CAN NEVER TRULY DELETE YOUR SEARCH HISTORY

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VEGAN THOUGHTS

I haven’t written in a while. This isn’t because I’ve been busy. It’s pretty much because I’ve been lazy. Sometimes I just lie on my couch, thinking about how rich I want to be, but then I become troubled by how much work it would require. Then I fall asleep and dream of strange things, like once, I dreamt I …

CHARLIE WHEN HE SAYS HE’LL PAY FOR DINNER…

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BE KIND TO THOSE WHO CAN LEND YOU MONEY

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VALENTINE’S DAY HORROR STORY

Vail and I were through our second bottle of wine when she told me a scary story about this person named Kath. Kath was in her twenties and single. She couldn’t understand why she was single. I mean, she had a good job and she didn’t think she was that unattractive, but for some reason the world could only manage …

DOLLY PARTON CHALLENGE: KNOB HEAD STYLE

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water color painting saying the number of stars in the sky

THE NUMBER OF STARS IN THE SKY REPRESENT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU

The number of stars in the sky represent the number of people who don’t care about you.

STEALING FROM A RICH FRIEND

According to some friends, she came from old money but also owned some tech startup, and according to some friends, she’d just raised one hundred million dollars… So began my plan to find as many ways as possible to rip her off.

BILLY BEING DIAGNOSED WITH THAT FACE

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TARA BEING TOTALLY UNIQUE BY TAKING A CHEERS BOOMERANG PIC WITH THE GIRLS

Tara being totally unique…

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 30S AND LIFE BECOMES OVERWHELMING

Are you in your thirties and like, feeling a little bit overwhelmed by the pressures of it all? Have you ever been stuck in traffic one day while listening to a podcast or Spotify or something, and all of a sudden, you felt anxious and afraid, and you wondered: What am I doing with my life? Well, don’t worry. As …

GEORGIA UPLOADING ANOTHER POST ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER HER LIFE IS THAN YOUR SHITTY MISERABLE ONE

Georgia uploading another post about how much better her life is than your shitty miserable one.

women-pointing-and-laughing

WHAT TO DO WHEN EVERYONE IS DOING BETTER THAN YOU

There will come a point in your life where everyone will be doing better than you. If you haven’t experienced it yet, then get excited! One day it will come unexpectedly in the mail, and you will feel like such, a, dick. This point in life may come quicker if you give up financial stability to pursue your dreams. I …

virgin vince prison treatment

VIRGIN VINCE GETTING THAT SPECIAL PRISON TREATMENT

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orange-square

WE ALL COME FROM DUST

The dust, this water, it comes from the dead and it comes from the living. The pain and the joy—it’s all recycled, we’re always sharing a piece of each other. There are bits of people within all of us, there are bits of people outside of all of us.

drawing of ed-adding-lol-to-every-message-to-make-things-sound-less-serious

ED ADDING LOL TO EVERY MESSAGE TO MAKE THINGS LESS SERIOUS THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE

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over-7-billion-people-dont-care-about-you

FACT. 7 BILLION PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.

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tunnel drive

LOVE LETTER 2020

Sometimes I still think about you. Sometimes I imagine you looking at my Facebook profile and being a little impressed and a little jealous that you’re not the one doing that thing with me, or being in that place with me, or posing in that quirky restaurant photo with me. But sometimes I imagine you being relieved that you’re not …

barry using shower water to hide his tears

BARRY WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE

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bernie-about-to-feed-his-wife-some-bullshit

BERNIE ABOUT TO FEED HIS WIFE SOME BS

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brads-penis-sending-mixed-messages-again

BRAD’S LITTLE GUY SENDING HIM MIXED MESSAGES AGAIN

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sunset on water in distance

HOW TO BE HAPPY: THE 80/20 PRINCIPLE

Lately I’ve been trying, with much laziness and distraction, to conquer depression—to not only conquer it, but to brutally torture and murder it with repeated and frightening strikes of joy and laughter. One exercise I gathered from reading The 80/20 Principle was to think of the things that made me happy, and to spend more time and effort on those …

forest at night

THIS STORY IS DEDICATED TO A MAN IN A COMA

Some time ago Christie’s step brother fell into a coma. Apparently he was having sex with his wife, and apparently all of a sudden he closed his eyes and didn’t open them again. Everyone prayed for him, and the next day, in hospital, he opened his eyes and acted as though nothing had ever happened. It’s a miracle! we exclaimed, …

SIGNS YOU’RE OLD

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I’M BACK

Some time ago I became consumed by stress so I quit my job and promised to finally work on my next book. But before finally working on my next book I travelled, and when I returned home from travelling I promised to finally work on my next book. But when I returned home from travelling I took on a part …

world peace at last

WORLD PEACE HAS ARRIVED

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searching for an excuse to cheat on girlfriend

WILLY SEARCHING REALLY HARD FOR AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT ON HIS GIRLFRIEND

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std fairy

THE STD FAIRY SPRINKLING HER LOVE

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looking out an airplane window

RETURNING HOME AFTER A LONG TRIP

The end of my travels reminded me of the end of my relationship with Kessie. This was about five years ago: Kessie had largish ears, a couple of tattoos, a flat arse and was an amazing lover. I was a horrible person to her, and, for no good reason, one day decided to stop talking to her. She called me …

sammy the sun just gave you skin cancer

SAMMY THE SUN JUST GAVE YOU SKIN CANCER

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Philippa is a transgender, transracial vegan feminist and nature activist. Philippa also never pays her friends back and hides her wallet when she sees brown people.

PHILIPPA IS A TRANSGENDER, TRANSRACIAL VEGAN FEMINIST AND NATURE ACTIVIST. PHILIPPA ALSO NEVER PAYS HER FRIENDS BACK AND HIDES HER WALLET WHEN SHE SEES BROWN PEOPLE.

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darren looking for someone he can blame his life problems on

DARREN LOOKING HARD FOR SOMEONE TO BLAME HIS LIFE PROBLEMS ON

Darren looking hard for someone to blame his life problems on

inspiring entrepreneur thinking about ways to waste everyones money

AN INSPIRING ENTREPRENEUR THINKING OF NEW AND EXCITING WAYS TO WASTE YOUR MONEY

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carlos trying to kill his erection cartoon drawing

CARLOS TRYING TO KILL HIS ERECTION IN PUBLIC

Carlos trying to kill his erection in public

bobby has no friends

BOBBY HAS NO FRIENDS

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old stone house

THE OLD OLD HOUSE IN THE OLD OLD VILLAGE

Christie and I didn’t meet much when I went travelling, but once in a while she’d join me. She went with me to this old village. I had no idea how old it was, but everything about it seemed ancient: there was no electricity, there were no doors and all the houses looked like they were made of stone. But …

anna searching for problems in your relationship that dont actually exist

ANNA SEARCHING FOR PROBLEMS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAT DON’T EXIST

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boyfriend trying to understand girlfriend bullshit

JAMES TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR BULLSHIT

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your friends are plotting against you

YOUR FRIENDS ARE PLOTTING AGAINST YOU

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juan luna portrait painting

WAITING IN THE PHILIPPINES

We went to the National Museum of Fine Arts in Manila, and near the entrance was a large room, and in that large room was one enormous painting, the Spoliarium. My cousin and I looked at it for a while: at the bodies, at the audience, at the stroke work, then at the people taking selfies in front of the …

Jenna volunteering to be the friend who cries on the sidewalk after a night of drinking

JENNA VOLUNTEERING TO BE THAT FRIEND WHO CRIES ON THE SIDEWALK AFTER A NIGHT OF DRINKING

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kens the guy who ruins everyones night by changing the song every 30 seconds

KEN’S THE GUY WHO RUINS EVERYONE’S NIGHT BY CHANGING THE SONG EVERY THIRTY SECONDS

We all know Ken. We all know the guy who changes the song every thirty seconds. Let’s stop Ken today.

georgia taking her daily dose of sexism in workplace

GEORGIA TAKING HER DAILY DOSE OF SEXISM IN THE WORKPLACE

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looking outside an airplane window

WHAT YOU MUST DO ONCE YOU LEARN HOW TO FLY

Most people, when I ask them what they’d do if they had more time and money, say that they would travel more. I wonder how many people truly mean it. I wonder how many people, when actually given more time and money, would actually “travel”. Where would they go? What would they do? What would they be afraid of leaving …

rachel forming a book about how she should never form her-own opinions about anything

RACHEL READING A BOOK ABOUT HOW SHE SHOULD NEVER FORM HER OWN OPINIONS ABOUT ANYTHING

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jason choosing where to get punished for his poor life choices

JASON CHOOSING WHERE TO GET PUNISHED FOR HIS POOR LIFE CHOICES

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