People try all sorts of things to get rid of their woes. Sometimes they try alcohol, sometimes they try meditation.
“The worst form of meditation is masturbation meditation,” Jude told me. “You think that when you masturbate, you’ll be in a constant state of bliss, but you won’t be. Firstly you’ll always want to change the video you’re watching, so you’ll always be dissatisfied and wanting to find something better. Secondly you have this fear of getting caught by someone you respect or are related to. Thirdly when you come three hours later you’ll just feel like a fucking loser creep who has to clean up the mess he made and may get in trouble for the fucked up website he just visited. Lastly you’ll want to do this miserable act over and over again.”
“My meditation comes from the rosary,” Christie told me. “I reflect on life with it. Have you heard of adoration? There’s a place on the valley I go to on some Friday evenings and I sit there, and I absorb the peace of everything around me. You have to join me.”
The first time I tried meditation was during high school. They took us to this Buddhist temple and the monk told us to cross our legs and think of the colours of the rainbow. I sat there, thinking of a wall of red, then orange, then yellow, wondering why monks had to shave their heads.
I was much older when I tried meditation again. I had a broken heart, and I watched a YouTube video by some guy who talked about mindfulness. I then went to this free talk about Transcendental Meditation and they asked for fifteen hundred dollars and I tried to negotiate it down to thirty dollars but it didn’t work. I settled with Streamline Meditation.
I’ve heard that billionaires meditate, that athletes meditate, that supernatural things happen during meditation. People have generated electricity through meditation. People have pulled cars with their dicks through meditation. People have levitated through meditation. People have been cured of diseases through meditation. People who have seen the face of Jesus through meditation.
I have big dreams when it comes to my meditation. Before I meditate I tell myself that when I open my eyes, I’ll be able to fly. That I’d be able to pick up a mountain with one hand and spin it around with the other, that my testicles will be able to sing songs backwards, that my bank account will legally have thirty-eight million dollars in it, that I will calm down, that I will be able to produce unbelievably powerful erections, that I’d be able to say goodbye, that I’d be able to say no without feeling guilty, that I’d be able to be generous, selfless; that I’d be able to perform miracles, that I’d be the bringer of world peace, that I’d invent teleportation, that I’d shed my skin to reveal the most amazing person in the universe.
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