BOBBY HAS NO FRIENDS
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THE OLD OLD HOUSE IN THE OLD OLD VILLAGE
Christie and I didn’t meet much when I went travelling, but once in a while she’d join me. She went with me to this old village. I had no idea how old it was, but everything about it seemed ancient: there was no electricity, there were no doors and all the houses looked like they were made of stone. But …
ANNA SEARCHING FOR PROBLEMS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAT DON’T EXIST
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JAMES TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR BULLSHIT
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YOUR FRIENDS ARE PLOTTING AGAINST YOU
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WAITING IN THE PHILIPPINES
We went to the National Museum of Fine Arts in Manila, and near the entrance was a large room, and in that large room was one enormous painting, the Spoliarium. My cousin and I looked at it for a while: at the bodies, at the audience, at the stroke work, then at the people taking selfies in front of the …
JENNA VOLUNTEERING TO BE THAT FRIEND WHO CRIES ON THE SIDEWALK AFTER A NIGHT OF DRINKING
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KEN’S THE GUY WHO RUINS EVERYONE’S NIGHT BY CHANGING THE SONG EVERY THIRTY SECONDS
We all know Ken. We all know the guy who changes the song every thirty seconds. Let’s stop Ken today.
GEORGIA TAKING HER DAILY DOSE OF SEXISM IN THE WORKPLACE
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WHAT YOU MUST DO ONCE YOU LEARN HOW TO FLY
Most people, when I ask them what they’d do if they had more time and money, say that they would travel more. I wonder how many people truly mean it. I wonder how many people, when actually given more time and money, would actually “travel”. Where would they go? What would they do? What would they be afraid of leaving …
RACHEL READING A BOOK ABOUT HOW SHE SHOULD NEVER FORM HER OWN OPINIONS ABOUT ANYTHING
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JASON CHOOSING WHERE TO GET PUNISHED FOR HIS POOR LIFE CHOICES
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HOW TO COMFORT PEOPLE WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO COMFORT PEOPLE
I committed the next three months to not drinking alcohol. What I miss about alcohol is how much easier life gets when you drink it. With alcohol, it’s easier to embarrass yourself, it’s easier to make friends, it’s easier to laugh, it’s easier to hug people and it’s so much easier to get away with doing the things you’ve always …
CHARLIE JUST SOLD HIS LIFE
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KIM IS BLIND
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BEING NAKED IN JAPAN
It was a fresh morning, and we were in an island in Batanes, and on that morning we were driving along a hillside overlooking the ocean: the ocean waves were a calming music, the sun was emerging over the lush, green hills, and on those hills were friendly trees who cradled colourful leaves that danced among the colorful wind, and …
TIM
I spent some time with Tim. Tim is similar to I am, except he’s not similar to me at the same time. He constantly thinks and talks about women. He makes sure every conversation we have ends up about a sexual encounter with a woman of some sort. I once asked him about his gym routine and he ended the …
HAIRY HANNAH CAN’T WAIT TO BE OFFENDED…
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STORY OF MY LIFE
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THE KILLING OF ALL DISTRACTIONS
Have you ever just… thought? Not just regular, day-to-day thoughts, but actual, concentrated thoughts that ask the questions you’re afraid to ask and answer the questions you’re afraid to answer: What am I doing here? Why am I doing what I’m doing? What do I actually want if I strip away my insecurities, my fears and the influence and pressures …
GEORGE GETTING READY
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THE BALCONY
The poor guy and the rich girl had one thing in common: their mutual hatred of each other. This was unfortunate because of two major reasons: One: they believed themselves to be generally good people. But running into each other brought out each other’s worst characteristics, characteristics they found difficult to disguise. And they often ran into each other often …
WALTER DROWNING
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BUILDING YOUR CASTLE
I used to always fantasise about meeting a classy woman in a bar, overseas, while drinking a cocktail as some pianist played Fly Me To The Moon in the background. I pictured it being just like the movies: she’d be sitting across from me, and I’d glance up at her and say something witty, and she’d say something witty back, …
SORRY ABOUT THAT LITTLE SAMMY
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RICH PEOPLE ARE HAPPIER THAN YOU
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THIS CUTE LITTLE FELLA…
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GETTING READY TO WIPE THAT SMUG LOOK OFF YOUR FACE
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THIS HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO, BUT…
This happened a long time ago, maybe ten years ago, back when I was studying. I didn’t know that many women but there was one I met in class one day. She wrote this on my notepad: What’s your name? Dean. Want to have lunch? Okay. And we had lunch and I instantly fell in love. I was so desperate …
TIMMY RUINED YOUR SWIMMING POOL
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LOVE LETTER 500
Can there ever be drama without someone dying, or someone leaving, or someone lying, or someone cheating? Can there ever be a love story when there’s no one there to love? You used to ask me these things things all the time as you sat with your blank notepad on your lap, looking out over the balcony for answers. At …
CHRIS PRETENDING TO BE INTERESTED
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LOVE ROLLER COASTER
I’d been hearing a lot of nonsense about the importance of walking so one day I skipped work and went for a five-hour walk. I was hoping that some kind of miracle would happen as a result of doing that walk. I was hoping, as some kind of reward for undertaking such a momentous sacrifice, that I’d instantly become more …
BOYFRIEND CALCULATING THE WAYS TO TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED
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YOU’RE GETTING OLD AND THIS IS HOW YOU’LL DEAL WITH IT
It was with great disappointment that I found myself at peace. I hadn’t been clubbing in years, and I refused to go, so instead I drove Vail to the clubs and just sat in my car, in the Valley, on floor five of the parking lot or something, and making sure all my windows were closed I looked out towards …
FRUITS FOR YOUR BUTT
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FAT GOOD LUCK CHARM
“Have you met Brisbane’s good luck charm?” Jude asked me. “No and I don’t want to,” I said. I turned to Vail: “Do you want to meet Brisbane’s good luck charm?” Vail had her sunglasses on and she was driving. “Dean,” she started, sighing, “your stories… have I ever told you about your stories? They need to have an arc. …
BURNING ALL EX-GIRLFRIEND MEMORIES
I used to be a hoarder. I used to never want to let go of anything. Whenever time would try to drag something away from me, I’d pull onto it for my dear life. The other day, I decided to let that part of me go. Especially the part that clung onto old loves. I had too many memories of …
CASSY’S SUPERPOWER
“Do you believe in the supernatural, Dean?” This is what Cassy asked me as we sat in a train to the city or whatever. “What do you mean? Like spirits and stuff?” “No…” she said, putting her phone down on her lap. “As in, like, superpowers.” “Like the Avengers?” “Like the Avengers.” “No, I don’t believe in that.” “Well you …
PLEASE FORGIVE HAROLD
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LAUREN RESPECTS HER FRIENDS
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SHIT COFFEE, COMING RIGHT UP!
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STRIPPING EVERYTHING AWAY
And my mind was muddled so I asked Christie to help me out. “Here,” she said, pointing to a spot next to her. I sat down. “Close your eyes.” I closed my eyes, and I waited, and just before I began to ask Christie what I was doing she put her hand on my lap. She told me to breathe …
SUZIE TEXTING ABOUT HER UBER DRIVER
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THE CHANT OF THE PENISES
Life would be a lot happier if our penises didn’t get in the way. Penises are like that vegetarian friend of yours who always attends your birthday gatherings — even though it’s inconvenient, you have to go out of your way to make sure they’re happy. This is when I told my good looking friend about the Chant of the …
THE LITTLE MAN WHO TELLS YOU THINGS
I was drinking Sapporro Beer with Christie in a hotel room. “You know, it’s fine to drink with someone you’re already with, but what annoys me is why we have to drink with people we’re interested in with the sole purpose of getting them drunk enough so we can get dirty with them. Why don’t we just say, up front, …
CARL AFTER ANAL
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POOR PEOPLE PLOTTING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY
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