this happened a long time ago

THIS HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO, BUT…

This happened a long time ago, maybe ten years ago, back when I was studying. I didn’t know that many women but there was one I met in class one day. She wrote this on my notepad: What’s your name? Dean. Want to have lunch? Okay. And we had lunch and I instantly fell in love. I was so desperate …

looking outside a square window into the city

LOVE LETTER 500

Can there ever be drama without someone dying, or someone leaving, or someone lying, or someone cheating? Can there ever be a love story when there’s no one there to love? You used to ask me these things things all the time as you sat with your blank notepad on your lap, looking out over the balcony for answers. At …

Artistic eye background - love

BURNING ALL EX-GIRLFRIEND MEMORIES

I used to be a hoarder. I used to never want to let go of anything. Whenever time would try to drag something away from me, I’d pull onto it for my dear life. The other day, I decided to let that part of me go. Especially the part that clung onto old loves. I had too many memories of …

the chant of the penises

THE CHANT OF THE PENISES

Life would be a lot happier if our penises didn’t get in the way. Penises are like that vegetarian friend of yours who always attends your birthday gatherings — even though it’s inconvenient, you have to go out of your way to make sure they’re happy. This is when I told my good looking friend about the Chant of the …

madman in the mirror

MADMAN IN THE MIRROR

The quality of my writing started to drop at the same time the quality of my life started to increase. I hadn’t had alcohol or drugs in months. I had found God. I was in a stable relationship. I regularly exercised. I took protein shakes. I hadn’t masturbated in over sixty days and whenever I caught myself in the mirror …

clouds and tim tams

DELICIOUS TIM TAMS

As I parked my car and as the sky shut its light and as the world closed its door ever so slightly I found myself adrift, both internally and externally, whatever the hell that means. I was confused. No, I wasn’t confused, I was muddled. My mind was fog. I was walking in every shitty direction and ending up nowhere. …

Light bulb ufo - visits from annabelle

VISITS FROM ANNABELLE

Annabelle’s boyfriend had left her so for a while, she became my best friend. Sometimes she’d come over at eight, or at midnight, or at two in the morning, or at noon when I wasn’t even at home. “Tell me,” she said, “why are men so cruel?” She never got used to how much food I didn’t have. She came …

THE PURPOSE OF VAIL

The scene started off like this: Vail and I were on Jude’s balcony, and the sun had been down for a while and Vail, wearing something black, was humming something I didn’t recognise. “It’s so, so easy to do what’s easy,” she said. “That’s why it’s called easy.” Vail said nothing to that. She looked out, at the traffic. I …

I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU MR SADNESS

I’ve had it with you, Mr Sadness, with your damp eyes and your bloody nose and your sad, sad acoustic soundtrack. I’ve had it with the sporadic loneliness, the dread and the anger. I’m over this. Tomorrow I’ll go online and find me a new lover. A lover with sunlight and cool winds and upbeat music. A lover who socialises …

GOODBYE TIME

There are times when there’s nothing I want to write about. When there’s nothing much I really want to say. Time is so limited. It arrives, then it goes, and it arrives, and it goes – does it ever leave you feeling at peace? I suppose it does. There are times when time itself leaves me alone: it says to …